A marital crisis  doesn’t erupt without warning, nor does it explode without a context.

婚姻危机不会毫无预兆地爆发，也不会毫无缘由地爆发。

A violent, seismic fracture such as an affair may be the shock that cracks the illusion of marital harmony. However, a trained observer would have sensed the small fissures and fault lines that were already trembling below the surface: resentments too trivial to acknowledge, a subtle yet growing distance, awkwardness where there once was a flow, decreased sexual desire, etc.

像婚外情这样的剧烈的、地震般的裂痕可能会打破婚姻和谐的幻想。然而，一个训练有素的观察者会感觉到表面下已经在颤抖的小裂缝和断层线: 太微不足道的怨恨、难以察觉但日益增长的疏远、不曾间断的尴尬、性欲下降等等。

 

These unacknowledged cracks were expressed in the statements of my patient, Kate: “We almost never fought. Maybe if we did, we would have been closer. At least with conflict, there’s connection.” And, “Dan and I still found some private time, but something was missing.”

 

这些未公开承认的裂痕表现在我的病人凯特的陈述中: “我们几乎从不吵架。如果我们这么做了，也许我们会更亲密。至少在冲突中有感情联络。” “丹和我还是找到了一些私人时间，但有些东西缺失了。”

 

We sense from Kate’s remarks that only a few dying embers remained from the heat and passion of her relationship's early days. Yet, they did have comfort, a family life, and a degree of affection and warmth. There were no blaring signals of marital discord, no burning resentments or deep hurts. There were no clear signs that would have indicated that Kate was ready for an affair. Nevertheless, she was, and it behooves us to understand why.

从凯特的评论中，我们可以感觉到，她早期的热度和激情只剩下一些余烬。然而，他们有舒适的家庭生活，有一定程度的感情和温暖。没有明显的婚姻不和谐的迹象，没有燃烧的怨恨或深深的伤害。没有明显的迹象表明凯特已经准备好婚外恋了。尽管如此，她还是出轨了，我们有必要了解其中的原因。

Assuming the statistics are correct, there may be about a 50 percent chance that either you or your partner had or will have an affair. Yet, when a spouse discovers the deception, the reaction is typically shock and rage—and certainly not, “What do you expect? We’re your average married couple.”

假设统计数据是正确的，你或你的伴侣有或将要有外遇的几率大约为50%。然而，当配偶发现欺骗时，通常的反应是震惊和愤怒，——而不是“你想干什么？我们是普通的夫妻。”

 

And if infidelity and marriage are so predictable, then why did 100 percent of the 1543 respondents to our survey state that monogamy is essential for a stable marriage? And why will half of them turn their back on their principles and risk breaking up their families?

如果不忠和婚姻是可预料到的，那么为什么我们的调查中1543名受访者中100%的人都表示一夫一妻制对稳定的婚姻至关重要？为什么他们中的一半人会背弃自己的原则，冒着拆散家庭的危险呢？

 

To answer these questions, I’d like you to take the following self-test on marital intimacy and trust: 要回答这些问题，我想让你做以下关于婚姻亲密度和信任的自测：

 

1.Touching my spouse makes me feel _________

  让我感觉触摸我的伴侣 _________

 

2.Being alone with my spouse makes me feel ________

  和我的爱人让我感到孤独 ________

 

3.Having sexual relations with my partner makes me feel________

  和我的伴侣发生性关系让我感觉_______

 

4.Talking and communicating with my partner makes me feel _______

   和我的伴侣交谈和交流让我感觉_______

 

5.My partner’s encouragement of my personal growth makes me feel ___

   我的伴侣对我个人成长的鼓励让我感觉——

 

6.Seeking comfort from my partner makes me feel ________

    从我的伴侣那里寻求安慰让我觉得________

 

7.Kissing my partner makes me feel ___________

   亲吻我的伴侣让我感觉 ___________

 

8.Sitting or lying close to my spouse makes me feel _________

   坐在或躺在配偶身边让我觉得__________

 

Trust as the Foundation of Marriage

信任是婚姻的基础

Without trust there’s no intimacy. Trust is what allows you to say “I love you” on the one hand and “I’m angry at you” on the other. Trust and safety enable your body to let go and reach heights of passion and pleasure with your partner.

没有信任就没有亲密。信任让你一方面说“我爱你”，另一方面说“我生你的气”。信任和安全能让你的身体放开，与你的伴侣达到激情和快乐的高峰。

Trust gives you the courage to tell your partner when you feel disconnected from him, when you feel scared and lonely, and when you want to feel her presence. With trust, you feel confident to expand and grow within a marriage: Your partner rejoices at your achievements and supports you as you confront new challenges.

当你感到与他的分离，当你感到害怕和孤独，当你想感受她的存在时，信任给了你勇气，让你告知你的伴侣。有了信任，你就会有信心在婚姻中扩大和成长: 你的伴侣会为你的成就感到高兴，并在你面对新的挑战时支持你。

Trust is built through simple acts of kindness, by commitments made and commitments kept, by appreciations expressed, by consistency in word and deed, by small affections, and by listening without judgment.

信任是通过简单的善举建立的，通过做出承诺和遵守承诺、通过表达赞赏、通过言行一致、通过微小的情感、通过不加评判的倾听等建立。

You create trust when you and your partner treat each other with respect and dignity, when you refuse to grant anger and resentment their full destructive powers. Trust finds its well-earned place in your life when you laugh before you condemn, when you accept before you criticize, when you remain silent rather than speak harshly, and when you apologize and forgive before giving in to bitterness and blame.

当你和你的伴侣以尊重和庄严对待对方，当你拒绝让愤怒和怨恨拥有全部破坏性的力量时，你就创造了信任。当你在谴责之前发笑，当你在批评之前容忍，当你保持沉默而不是尖刻地说话，当你在屈服于痛苦和责备之前道歉和原谅时，信任就会在你的生活中找到它应得的位置。

How Did You Score?

你是怎么获取的?

You may have discovered what you already knew: Your relationship needs attention. What you may not have realized is that with the absence of intimacy, an extramarital affair can become the sweet solution. Nature abhors a vacuum, and an empty soul is no exception.

你可能已经发现了你已经知道的事情: 你们的关系需要照料。你可能没有意识到的是，在缺乏亲密关系的情况下，婚外情可以成为的解决方案。大自然厌恶真空，空虚的灵魂也不例外。

 

If you discovered some painful reality about your relationship, for now, try sitting with it. Record your inner thoughts and feelings in a diary. Let your mind and hand express whatever you feel.

如果你发现你们的关系中有一些痛苦的事实，现在，试着坐下来接受它。在日记中记录你内心的想法和感受。让你的思想和手表达你的感受。

Don’t judge yourself. Your feelings are neither right nor wrong. First, seek to understand what you feel. Then try to understand the source of your pain and discomfort. Lastly, acknowledge and respect your feelings, even if you’re not happy with them. You’re now on the road to discovering a solution. (In future posts, we’ll explore how to heal a broken relationship.)

不要审判自己。你的感觉既不对也没错。首先，设法了解你的感受。然后试着去了解你痛苦和不适的根源。最后，承认并尊重你的感觉，即使你对它们不满意。你现在就在寻找解决方案的路上。(在未来的文章中，我们将探讨如何修复破裂的关系。)

There are no quick fixes in relationships. The profession of psychology is filled with tips and suggestions, but they only work when you’re ready to accept them, and you can only accept them when you’ve acknowledged the problem and are prepared to make hard choices.

在人际关系中没有快速的解决方法。心理学这个职业充满了技巧和建议，但只有当你准备好接受它们时，它们才会起作用，而只有当你承认了问题并准备好做出艰难的选择时，你才能接受它们。

Kate’s Answers

凯特的答案

Read carefully. Her answers reveal her vulnerability for an affair:

仔细阅读。她的回答暴露了她对婚外情的脆弱：

 

1.Touching Dan makes me feel dishonest.“I am tired of faking affection and pretending to be the loving wife.”

抚摸丹让我觉得不诚实。“我已经厌倦了假装爱，假装是一个有爱的妻子。”

 

2.Being with Dan makes me feel lonely. “When we’re alone, I expect we should be close, but it doesn’t happen.

和丹在一起让我觉得很孤单。“当我们单独在一起时，我想我们应该很亲密，但这并没有发生。

 

3.I don’t think he even notices.” Having sexual relations with Dan makes me feel resentful and disconnected. “It’s about Dan and his pleasure. Never about me.

 我想他甚至都没有注意到。”和丹发生性关系让我感到愤怒和疏离。”这是丹和他自己的快乐。我从无快感。

 

4.Communicating with Dan makes me feel frustrated. “He doesn’t want to listen to what’s bothering me. I don’t know how to convince him that we have problems.”

和丹交流让我感到很沮丧。“他不想听困扰我的事情。我不知道如何让他相信我们有问题。”

 

5.Dan’s encouragement of my personal growth makes me feel separate from him. “Dan doesn’t stop me from doing what I want but it feels less like support and more like neglect. I’m out of his hair and he’s happy.”

丹对我个人成长的鼓励让我觉得和他是分开的。“丹并没有阻止我做我想做的事，但这感觉不太像是支持，更像是对我的漠视。我不再烦他了，他很高兴。”

 

6.Seeking comfort from Dan makes me feel depressed and abandoned. “I have to feel desperate to ask Dan for support. It’s an exercise in futility. The only way Dan knows how to give support is by giving advice.”

向丹寻求安慰让我感到沮丧和被遗弃感。“我不得不绝望地向丹寻求支持。这是徒劳无益的做法。丹所知道的给予支持的唯一方式就是给予建议。”

 

7.Kissing Dan makes me feel like an imposter. “Any expression of intimacy feels like a lie. There’s a wall of bitterness that separates me from him and a kiss doesn’t make it disappear.”

吻丹让我觉得自己是个骗子。“任何亲密的表达都像是谎言。我和他之间有一堵痛苦的墙，一个吻并不能让它消失。”

 

8.Sitting or lying close to Dan makes me feel desperate. “The closer I am, the more I need, and the more I need, the emptier I feel.”

坐在或躺在丹身边让我感到绝望。“我离他越近，我需要的就越多，而我需要的越多，我就觉得越空虚。”